baby_feng

.Last post of 2011.

2011-12-31T23:26:00.005+08:00

Ahhh.. finally, we've reached the end of year 2011.

Looking back at my 2011.. I'm glad it's over.

2011 was filled with tears, sweats, sadness, depression/burnout.
Seriously, dont remember much good times of 2011. >.<
Probably the work overwhelm my whole life. Covered up all the happiness & appreciations that i(perhaps) felt.

However, i am grateful that i am alive.
Comparing myself to the unfortunate, i am grateful, contented & happie w my life.

Where i am today, i am proud of my own capabilities.
i am proud that i managed to pull through & held on.
i am proud of my own strengths & efforts.

i am proud.. that i gave my best in 2011. ^^

LOoking forward to 2012.
2012 WILL be a year of independence. Learning to be self-reliant.
Learn to love myself more. Pamper myself more.
Ignore what others say & live the life i want.
Exercise on a regular basis. Go for at least 1 marathon.

Continue to do my best for work. Learn to be tolerant of ignorant souls.
May my work be less stressful, less challenging & my staff more cooperative, more loving, more compromising, more appreciative of my sweat and blood efforts.

Learn to love my family more. Pamper my family more.
Healthy happy life for my family.

May love love me more.

May my emotions be more stable in 2012.
Less rocky. Less pain. Less tears. Less heartbreaks.

May my heart be filled with more gratitude, more appreciation, more love, more understandings, more tolerance, less goodbyes for my soul in 2012.
May all the above emotions surround me so that i can live a better, happier life in 2012.

Am i greedy? Yes i am. Hence, all the wishes for myself in 2012.

Goodnights 2011. May 2012 wishes come true.. :)

.human nature.

2011-09-17T07:55:00.002+08:00

The human heart is a funny thing.

It always desire what it cannot have.
Fame. Fortune. Looks. The best of everything.
Even if it cannot get, it tries its best.. Or die trying.

Some commits crimes against their principles just to get fortune.
Some go for plastic surgery just to get the same famous look as someone else.
Everyone.. In their own way.. Works hard or "works hard" to get what they want.

And I'm no different.

I work hard to get to where I am today. And even though the struggle was tough to walk or should
I say, climb up the ladder, at least I gave my best.
But now, im asking myself.. What AM I doing this for..?

Life is short. Why am I working so hard for when at times, I don't even feel appreciated?
At times, like what friends tell me, "u're being exploited!" and in their hearts, they're saying "Why so stupid?" which
I can hear so clearly the silent scream.

So.. WHY then am I pushing myself so hard.. Getting exploited at times.. And continuing w this life?
*ponders..

Life is short. So what should I do? *ponders some more.......

.desserts.

2011-09-12T17:47:00.003+08:00

I wanna learn to bake, to make delicious desserts and open a desserts stall. Really I do.
I wanna open a shop where people can come in to destress, to enjoy the serenity of life.. Slow-paced.. Enjoy good food.. Sweet food to cheer themselves up!

I wanna open a place filled w happiness where individuals can drown their sorrows in and for that few mins that they are in the shop, forget about the troubles of life. Forget about their problems temporarily.

I wanna baby-sit. Really I do.
I wanna take care of many many kids since I can't afford to have a soccer team of my own.. At least I wanna take care of one. I wanna learn to cook healthy food. To read stories to e kids as they dream about the happiness in life. I wanna teach them that the world may be unkind to them in future, but they should never be unkind to the world. I want the kids I take care of to grow up healthy.. Strong.. And happy.

I.. Just wanna live a very simple life. Poor.. But happy.

.dreams.

2011-09-11T12:42:00.002+08:00

I almost couldn't remember my password for it's been so long since I last blogged about anything. Life's been so busy, there's just not enough time to spend to be blogging about the ups and downs in life.

Lately.. What have u been pondering about? My thoughts of late have all been.. What have I been doing in my life? What are my dreams exactly? Have I achieved anything? What do
I wanna do w my life?

How is it that some people know exactly what they wanna do w their lives.. Went ahead to do it and be so successful while some people, like me, idle my life away. Not knowing a single thing but just, working hard everyday, get the job dome and every fixed day of the month, get paid, give my family allowance and life.. Goes on just like that.

Meaningless.

Do I feel proud of my life? Do I enjoy what I'm doing?

I used to have dreams too when I was young. I used to wanna be a primary school teacher, kindergarten even. My mum said it doesn't earn money, "discourage" me to do it. Then.. I wanted to go into nursing. To help people. And mum said that u need to clean peoples' butt and once again, I gave up without even trying.

And now, here I am.. Working as what I am.

Am I happy?

2011-07-23T23:17:00.002+08:00

I tried not to think about it but.. I really can't help it..

Am I really that not important to you?

.I am defeated.

2011-04-28T20:59:00.001+08:00

Me of 5yrs lost to her of 2yrs.

*heartbroken.

.TLC.

2010-10-20T23:19:00.001+08:00

Just wanted some TLC, that hard? Hais. Kinda hurtful to hear wht I heard.. evn as a joke. Probably the wrong words at the wrong time, since I'm so fragile whn overtire...

.lies.

2010-07-23T22:31:00.004+08:00

Dont lie.
E truth can be felt. From e heart.

U know how sometimes, it's obvious u know what's going on, but u juz choose to be oblivious to e truth?

Kinda feeling that right now.

.when enough is enough.

2010-06-06T16:05:00.003+08:00

The limitations in life.
Things u can achieve, n matters u keep pushing.. keep trying.. n yet, still so futile.

im tired. Truly i am.
Frequently getting shyt frm e staff.
What hav i gotten myself into.. sometimes i wonder.

im e boss. N yet at times i dont feel i am.
No respect frm them. E things they say.. they say w/o thinking.
No doubt i forgive easily, but still.. do i deserve it?

Try my best to push things away. Try my best to push away responsibilities being thrown on us.
R they appreciative? They know not.
N still keep pushing their luck.

Expectations of me. No doubt i try my best.
Whn they need help, i giv it my best to help.
Whn they dont need help, look @e attitude.

Do i really want this long-term?
Is this just a transient period, or just e beginning of forever?

If others were e boss, wld they hav been better?
Pple r never appreciative unless they lose what they hav?
All around, that's e case i've seen.

No wonder sometimes i get so cynical of homosapiens.
Look at those around me. Ungrateful.
But of cuz, there're still e grateful ones ard.

N those r whom im helping e best way i can to push them up e ladder they so deserve.

Shld i speak up?
Am i doing a bad job?

i feel i've given my best, just.. it seems there's no results.
Perhaps a few more yrs will b gd. Whn im older, thn i can better manage?
Perhaps it's time to step down. To just assist as e 2nd highest-ranking, but not as a boss.

Need to think thru such serious thoughts soon.. need assistance frm him.
Until aftr his exam...

.old life.new life.

2010-04-10T16:23:00.003+08:00

Think im really getting used to e stress now.
It doesnt bother me anymore.
Either that, or im passing some of e work over, learning how to delegate and that has helped to ease the heavy load on me.
But somehow, it's increasing e stress for my girls. Lols..

Wells.. it's about time someone understands me right? ;)

Life.. wells.. has been overwhelming at times.
Overbearing at times too.
Sometimes, even at the expense of neglecting him.
So much so he's starting to complete! *gasps! =P sorry baby~ hehes..

It's appraisal time!
n im going nuts doing all these appraisals for my girls n boy.. x_x fainting real soon.

Oh wells.. time to return to my appraisals..

.life.

2010-03-27T13:49:00.002+08:00

Thanks to Eliza's recommendation, i got to watch a beautiful movie "The Ultimate Gift".
It narrates the journey planned by a grandfather, who was deeply hated by his grandson, but nonetheless which the latter embarked on and learn abt the true meaning of living.

Coming from a filthy rich family, e grandson never learnt how tough it was to live and what it really means to live.
All he did n evr learnt was how to spend, how to socialise and how to never have to worry abt life itself.
To sum it up, waste his life away.

Aftr his grandfather died, all his unfilial children naturally got nothing.
But because he knew he owed this kid so much, he left behind a series of gifts for him.. that lead him to his ultimate gift.
& these gifts include "The Gift of working".. "The Gift of laughter".. "The Gift of Family"... etc.
Things that meant.. something.
Nothing material. But everything alive. :)

It's truly enriching, educational & enlightening.
:) A MUST watch!

This movie really got me thinking.
"What is my dream?"
All this while, i've kinda been wasting my life away.
Just working hard, earning... spending..

Perhaps im really not ambitious or mayb im just lazy to think.
My dream has alwas been really simple.

To hav a family of my own.
To love them as much as i can.
To give them e best that i can.
To be a housewife.

Why am i working so hard now.. n yet so unhappy @times?
im working hard so my family can live off me in future.
i want to give them a life they deserve.
For bringing me up to who i am today.
& for my offsprings.. whom i wana love e same way that i've been loved..

No doubt my going is tough.. n many a times i really wanna give up cuz it's just too tough..
& my rollercoaster feelings r really not helping matters..
But im still holding on because i know wad i want in life..

It's not some high position or rich salary.. e final goal in my life, is just to ensure pple i love.. live well.
im just not ambitious.. n i can never be.
But i will definitely aim.. fight w others if necessary.. just so that my goal is reached.

.wrong.

2010-03-13T11:46:00.001+08:00

Perhaps.. i was so wrong to think i mattered.

How can a heart hurts so much.. n not due to a medical condition?

.down.

2010-03-01T20:35:00.002+08:00

Feeling really down today.
& im not sure why..

Is it because i've been bottling up e feelings?
Is it because i'm feeling insecure? But about what?
Is it because im jealous? If so.. why?

How do people get upset over nothing??

im just feeling so down i wish for a friend.
Someone to just sit beside me.. without saying anything.. just let me lean on for awhile.

im feeling really tired.. emotionally.
i just need.. a shoulder to lie on.

Dont ask me what happened.. dont ask me why..
But just.. give mi a hug.
Lend me a shoulder to lie on..

& once i feel comfortable enough.. just let me cry it all out.

.bravery.

2010-02-18T20:20:00.004+08:00

i marvel @myself sometimes.

At how i can act so brave.. when im not.
At how i can act so tough.. when im not.
At how much i can handle.. n not.

i really feel like giving up sometimes.
Whn i look @myself in e mirror @times, i cant recognize the girl i see anymore.
So much have changed becuz of this new position.

i've become stronger.
i've become some1 w more spunk. More attitude. Sometimes, even more than i like.
i've gotta be tough. Decisions to make. Learn to say "No" irregard of e other person's feelings.

Everybody loves to make friends.
But whn u're in my position, sometimes u just cant please everyone.
& i've stopped trying.

i do my best. Nothing against my conscience.

Sometimes i like e change. It's for e better.
BUt at times, e things i hafta do becuz i need to do, im not happy abt it @all.

@times, life's conflicting..

But im holding on. Holding on becuz i hav a commitment to my family.
i hav a duty to support them. To take care of them.
So no matter how much i dont like it, im biting my teeth thru them all.

Sometimes i wonder. If im alone, wld i hav given up a long time ago.
Mayb i wld have, cuz e going's way too tough, n i dont like e change & it feels like it's not worth it.
BUt at other times, i knw i wont. im born a fighter. i dont just give things up w/o a fight.
N sides, this change is for a better future. Be it for my family. Or even my own kids in future.

Things do not always happen e way we want it to.
Things do not always go e way we wish it to.
Life's never smooth. Changes r dynamic.

We muz just learn to adapt. & see alot of things frm a DIFFERENT perspective.
A perspective where it wun b that bad.. ;)

.comparison.

2010-02-05T22:30:00.002+08:00

Sometimes i really hate myself for comparing myself to...

i will live to be contented @least i know i have some1 who loves me deeply beside him. :)

Work's been really tough lately.
It's time to take a break to re-charge.. so.. ta-da!

Will be gone for awhile..

.things wrking?.

2010-01-24T18:31:00.002+08:00

What a day.
Was supposed to meet up w him but alas..
*upset. =((
Feels so indignant.
Is it my fault i own a VCR?

Why do pple never cherish wad they have?
Why do pple alwas take for granted pple who treat them well?

.2009.

2010-01-01T17:11:00.004+08:00

Looking back 2009, really had e rollercoaster ride of my life.
Broke up w him. Patched. Friends that come n went. More weddings. Accepted new challenge - new position.
2009 had not been wasted.

Looking forward 2010! :)
It's gonna b a better yr definitely!
Have decided on certain stuffs, just not sure if i can achieve as planned.

2010 Resolutions! ^-^
1. Exercising on a regular basis.
Running @least once a wk, or going for a swim!
Definitely joining 1 of those marathons tis yr. ;) *winks.

2. Becoming a more organized person.
Rmbring dates, to-do list, & definitely keepin my room neat & tidy @all times.

3. Loving myself more & becoming a better person.
Facial masks @least once a mth (or wk!), goin for short breaks in btwn busy schedule to pamper myself, becoming more independent (try harder!) & changing my wardrobe if possible! =)) But! Will hafta get rid of some clothes, bought too many last time.. Sell!

Praying harder that money drops frm e sky.. =Pp

i shall read up more on self-improvement bks, improving my knowledge abt e world, trying more new foods ard SG!! New foods here i come~!! *chomp chomp chomp....

4. Having more time for my own family. :( Guilty of not doing so in 2009.

2010 will b a year filled w fun, new knowledge, new friends, new relationships..

Not exactly a resolution but more of a note to self.
Learn to let go.
Of friends i once love n who have forgotten me.
It's time to stop hurting whn u see certain stuffs in life.
Reality's cruel. Just gotta accept that fact & move on.. really hope i can.

Towards friends who sometimes, dont really act as friends.. hmms.. *shrugs.
Cont' to love then.. until e hurt's too much.

Hav alwas been a stupid person anw.. shall cont' then..

.failed.

2009-12-19T17:40:00.002+08:00

Failed.

Now i just wish to run away somewhere.. somewhere where i can cry n no 1 to ask mi wad's wrong.

Just.. let me cry..

.ipas.

2009-12-02T20:33:00.006+08:00

Heard "They say whn u work, u're weird weird de. Always so angry.."

Sighs. Why am i always so affected when pple misunderstand me?
Why cant i just ignore how pple look @me? What pple think?

Trying my best. Doing my best.
But it never seems enough to satisfy them.
Put urself in my shoes!

Management are stressing with e deadlines.
im trying to help to ensure training's progressing smoothly.. i dont hafta be there, but i choose to be there.
@e expense of my other work to do.

Report earlier than others to do my stuffs.
End work later than others to meet my deadlines.
Just to help others.. but so what?

It's not like it's appreciated.

Why do i bother to do what i do then? =((

Do what i do only to get misunderstood.
Why?

u think i enjoy being what i am?
u think i dont enjoy playing around w my friends @work too?
u think i wont enjoy chit-chatting and the important stuffs just leave it to e bosses.. why bother..

u think it's so easy being me??

.testing.

2009-11-13T07:02:00.003+08:00

Lately, just been so busy w testing e robot, all i wana do whn i get hm is to cafe world, mafia n slp.
Have been neglecting him in a way.. :( im so sorry dear.. budden again, tt means he has time for more games to destress as he's busy studying too! =p

Testing is quite fun w Wendy n e guys frm Swisslog.
Always chatting around, joking around, but of cuz, only during break-times.
Rest of e time, it's just testing e machine more, playing ard w it to fully ustand how it works.

It's a pretty cool machine oritte.. ;) hehs..
But it definitely has its own limitations too. :(

As their boss, i duno. im really tryin to learn more, learn faster thn e rest?
Or perhaps, im just really interested in wad this machine is capable of, hence.. can absorb better n fast?

It's really abt ur interest whn u wana learn sth.
u grasp e concepts so much faster whn u're passionate abt e thing u're learning. :)

i miss my girlfriends already.. *sulks.

.love.

2009-11-09T21:23:00.004+08:00

u know e thing abt love?

When there's a bad patch, either
1) ur love is strong n u pull through it aftr sweat n tears or,
2) both of u r just so tired u give up n decided tis is e end or,
3) u're just so drained out by everything else, u dont know what to think anymore, how to feel anymore except u're hurting, n so u just leave e whole thing hanging down there..

Right now, im just at option 3.

im so drained out by work, i seriously hav no more energy to fight.
No more energy to hold on.
No more energy to.. cry.

So what if i cried till my eyes are swollen. It's not like any1 but myself cares.
So why continue to cry?
It's not going to settle anything on hand.

My everyday is just so packed to e brim, i seriously hav no idea how time flies so fast.

i rch my workplace. Hurried thru my emails.
Follow up on matters n revert back to e appropriate authorities. E nxt days are more follow-ups.
9am sharp, opened up e compacter, load e machine somemore. Stressed it somemore.

It's been giving problems lately, so in a way, we're kinda still trouble-shooting.
Getting abit stressed cuz.. it's not performing as well as expected?
Foresee lotsa workflow process probs in future, which probably, i will hafta devise backup plans.
More work to think abt.

Lunch. Hurry thru in front of e PC.
Clear my emails somemore.
Tried to squeeze out some time to sms him so as not to neglect him.
But most of e times, can only afford 1, n by e time he replies, i cant reply him anymre.
Training continues.

Aftr lunch, training continues till 6pm.
In between, cock-ups muz learn to settle. Alarms muz learn to fix.
Load. Unload. Returns. Why this bag canot, why that canot.. try to find workarounds..

Think. Think. Think somemore..

E best parts of everydays is to meet him to go work n to end work by going home w him.
N yet.. lately, it's all packed with arguments, quarrels, disagreements.

Where's my happiness?

Mental strain n emotional drain really cant go together.. it'll make 1 break.

i'll try to finish strong.. really..

.e climb.

2009-11-06T07:32:00.002+08:00

Independence.
Such a lonely word.

i've always thought that growing up will make mi a more independent person.
B it personal or work life.

But @e same time, i've always believed or imagine life w a partner will be less independent.
Some1 to bring u to places.. some1 to fetch u home frm places.. some1 to accompany u to do stuffs..
Some1 who's always there when u feel alone; to make u feel safe and to knw u're not alone.

im doing lotsa independent work as of now.
A new position. New stress.
To some extent, the new position has made mi a super boring person.
"Sad" face everyday as per a friend who just saw mi ytd "What happened to you?" e 1st thing she asked.

Merely tired i guess?

i need to change my mood. Destress a lil.

Lately has e impulse to move out.
Move somewhere where i can live alone.
Some "me-time" as i heard frm e radio ytd.
For e well-being of my soul..

But it's definitely not that i dun love my family.
i feel loved whnever im home.
E way they fuss abt my work.
Did i mention i can only study nxt yr as e sponsorship is only possible nxt yr? N it's a risk cuz it's not guarantee that i'll get it?
E way they fuss abt my health. Go drink some chicken essence, u look terrible.
E way they care abt evrything i do.. simply cuz i usually dun talk abt shop @home.

E point is.. i do adore my family.
Irritating as they might b sometimes, i know i love them. :)
They're my pillars of support.
Always been there. Always dependendable whn i feel down/happy/anything.

No matter wad disagreements we might hav on matters, any unhappiness frm any matter, they still love me.. n i know it.
i can feel it. n im so thankful for it.

Times like these.. i really need some love.

E going is tough. This road up the ladder.
No1 to give u instructions on how or what to do anymore. Nw it's ur turn to guide others.
No1 to teach u e ropes anymore. Admin stuffs tt im unsure of.. constantly hafta enquire n feel im such a nuisance.

Really.. it's not easy @all.
im still learning. i know i dun hafta feel like a nuisance for asking so many qns.. but i do feel like it.
@times, even feel like.. im quite useless?
No idea how to do this.. no idea how to do that.. but.. it's simply becuz no1 has ever taught me how to do it.
Therefore i shldnt hav to feel so stupid not knowing.. i know i dun hafta feel stupid.
But i do feel stupid!

Anyway, u get e drift.

Marriage.
He's scared. im scared too.. cuz he's scared.
Why? Am i not gd enough? Why am i not gd enough?
Does this mean this r/s is going nowhere since he's not sure if it can lead to marriage?

If some1 doesnt think abt it.. or hav any clues abt it, does it mean tt's cuz e r/s is not stable yet?
Or does it simply means it's not the right time yet, so dun bother thinking abt it?

i dont know. i guess it's still hard to tell..
Anyway. It's not like i hav e time to think abt it either..

Everyday it's just work.. work.. n more work..
Let's build up my career first! @least tt's more stable..

.work's tough, but im tough too.

2009-11-05T06:55:00.003+08:00

Work's getting tougher lately.
Attending SuperUser training these few days, learning how to operate the machine.
Still facing some problems, but alas, shld settle all b4 the testing n Go-Live.

Lotsa things to settle.
Some stuffs i cant settle due to e training.
FEeling e stress again. E worries that things might still go wrong..
i knw it wun b my fault but still.. cant help but feel e pressure to succeed.

Still no news abt my refunds. But heard it's gd news for my sponsorship.
Pretty high chance of getting it, but probably i'll hafta push back my studies to 2010 as it's a grant for FY10.

Hmms.. should i push back somemore or..?
i need advice.. ...

Work's really pilling up lately, especially on the admin sides.
Equipments i havent bought for the new dept., quotations i hav yet to receive, admin stuffs i need to clear.
Training goes on, gotta ensure all queries are answered, or @least most of them, while the overseas expert is still around.
Gotta try out all scenarios to stress the robot a lil to see if it really works as hard as it's supposed to.. ....

Can u feel my stress?
Pls try to understand me too.. ...

People change whn they r given new responsibilities isnt it?
New staff of past are now confirmed staff n some are of a higher position now, have changed.
Greeting them is like greeting a side of e wall, u dont get any reply n they give u a weird look.
Chatting w them is no longer fun, it's like they give u this cynical sceptical look, worried wadever they say may jeopardize their jobs one way or another.. i dont know?
They just.. act differently.

Too high up there u forgot how to appreciate the downsides of e ladder? x_x

It's scary how much they have changed.. ...

.never changes.

2009-11-01T00:07:00.001+08:00

A leopard never changes its spots.

Pls remind me..

.good gracious.

2009-10-24T07:27:00.003+08:00

Goodness me, whn was e last time i blogged? =X opsi.

Hehes.. just feeling old. =p And lazy to blog.

Let's see.. some updates then..

Wrk's still pretty much the same.
Rushing morning in WIP clearing all discharges on time.
Getting pissed off sometimes with some colleagues in other departments which thou shall not name.
But of course, there's those few who can alwas put a smile on ur face.. Why cant we have more of these pple around?

Afternoon clearing wadever IPAS stuffs i hav on-hand.
Got a lil surprise e other dae. :) The girls actually got mi a bigger-than-usual cookie with a caption that says "I love you this much" n there was tis li boi with only 6 strands of hair on e plastic, below the caption, stretching out his hands.
hehes.. ^-^ Just a small gesture.

But one that touches and warms the heart.
@least i know now that they do appreciate my efforts. :)

It's not easy u know?
Being up there. Sometimes.. or shld i say most of e times.. it feels so lonely.

No1 to discuss w mi what to do.
How to do?
Do all mgmt staff start off like this?

No guidance. No advice.
Just.. do it your way by hook or by crook.
Find some ways to resolve the issues.. if any.. all by urself.

But thank god i do hav a caring n superb boss above me.
So in a way, i can still seek advise from her if i need to, but more often than not, i prefer not to disturb her.
Despite her telling me i can.

Oh wells.

Now let's talk abt my girls.

They're.. young. lOls.. =p i rmbr whn i was young.
They're all very capable girls, just.. a lil too playful?
Work.. can be fun. But.. not in this line?

i guess e best way to describe our work will be, there's a time n place for everything.
N somehow, in this line, this dept., sometimes it's better to leave it as boring.

JUst some moments of fun n play, but perhaps 80% gotta b boring like jack.
Is Jack a boring person?

Why do pple alwas say "All work n no play makes Jack a dull boy?" =\

But.. if the girls lose their play at work.. im gonna miss that.

lOls.. =p i know im contradicting.
BUt really, there's no better way to describe the dilemma im in now.

OH wells.
im still learning. :)

But e impt thing is.. i love all my girls. =)
They may be playful.. but.. they're a bunch of lovelies. hehs.. =p

.lil time.

2009-10-14T22:26:00.001+08:00

So much things to do.
So lil time to do.

Morn WIP.
Messing up things there cuz i simply cant finish all tt i need to do within tt short a time frame.

Afternoon IPAS.
Not doing that great too n e work's piling up non-stop.
Gosh.
It seems neverending. Whyyy~???? =( bOoo...

Stayed back after wrk just to clear my WIP stuffs.
Reporting to work early tmr so i can clear my IPAS stuffs.

:(

.lost.

2009-10-10T13:02:00.002+08:00

do u feel lost sometimes?
like.. u dont know who to trust.

u dont know who to consult?
who to ask?
who to confide?

u're so afraid that just by opening ur mouth, u'll b laughed at.
mocked.
belittled.

n u totally hate that kinda limelight n talk abt u?

u're afraid to show u're scared.
ur failure.
u're afraid to even talk abt it w anyone.
cuz u dont know who u can trust?

where to go frm here?
how to get there?
is this the right decision?

u're alone at a crossroad n u dont know how to take the first step..

who will b there to hold ur hand n give u that slight push forward.
who will be there to break ur fall.
who will be there to cheer u on.

who will not laugh whn u fall..
but fall w u n get laughed at with u..
stand up for u even if it means condemnation for them too..

im lost.

how abt u?

.tired.

2009-10-10T12:49:00.003+08:00

WOrk's pilling up non-stop.
Never seem to be done w e things i hav on hand. So much so that, cant help but feel im jeopardizing things in wip.
Sighs.

Almost had e impulse to just take 1day leave and clear evrything on hand. Properly.
Rather thn doing evrything half-way n never finding time to complete them.

Recently just been so busy w meetings, admin n trying to find out wad happened to my bincard. Gosh.

Decided to change my degree course to Pharm Mgmt instead offered by MDIS.
More relevant to my current job anw. Spoken to e boss, awaiting reply frm HR to see if they'll sponser n how long's e bond.
If it's worth it, perhaps i'll consider.
Else, simply just pay for it myself.

Lunches hav been so hectic recently.
Since i started e takeover, hadnt had a gd 1hr lunch.
Lunch is alwas 10mins rush thru, thn back to work.

Fri was even worse!
2.30pm lunch. 5mins thn went out to collect stuffs, by e time im back, it's 4.30pm.
Continue anthr 5mins bite thn i threw everything away.
Bleargh. It doesnt taste nice anymre.

Think i need more sweet stuffs. Bring my bar of chocs n mentos evrywhere i go.
@least sth to satisfy e hunger.

Cried e other day thou. In e washroom.
Know it's stupid but i cant help it. Just too stressed up, gotta destress some way or another.
But tt doesnt mean im giving up.

Held on. N now that i finally see some light going somewhere.. =)

N to end, finally meet up w my lovely darling Qi ytd.
It's been centuries. Gosh i miss her.
Things r never e same w/o meeting her @least once a while.
Somehow.. e life will nt b complete. =)

Thanks babe!

.worries.

2009-09-19T12:32:00.002+08:00

wo ku le.
hen dan xin kao shi hui bu ji ge.

mei mei you rang wo xin tong le.
xin sui.
xiang ku.. dan.. yan lei.. jiu shi bu chu lai.

jiao wo zhe mou xiao hao mah?

.decision.

2009-09-13T15:22:00.000+08:00

Did i make the wrong decision back then?
If it's not meant to be, shld i let go?
Am i being stupid n ridiculous in holding onto something tt doesnt belong to mi?

.promotion?.

2009-08-31T22:18:00.000+08:00

Wow. Feels like ages since i last blogged, oh wells.. =X just couldnt find e time.

Let's see what happened recently.
Hmms.. feels like so much i hav gone through, im not even sure where to begin from.

Work.
Rmbr my last request for e transfer?
Wells.. e boss has offered mi anthr position instead.

To took over as in-charge for a new upcoming dept, planning roster, taking over e admin stuffs.. etc. etc.
Better prospects. Bigger challenges. Even learning how to manage staff.
Naturally, i took up e offer, so now am in e midst of buzzing in n out of meetings to clarify matters, settle e new robot coming into e new dept, planning roster etc. etc.
Not forgetting to cont' w my wrk in my current dept as they hav yet to find some1 else to replace mi..

But! Did i mention 'cause based on my current paper qualification, despite i might b doing e job of an exec, im not in for promotion or any pay rise? hMmms.. :) oh wells.. experience and appreciation frm e boss is pretty good too i guess! ;)

Sch stuffs.
Exam is coming n i hafta admit this time round, im totally not prepared.
Supposedly already halfway thru e module, or even 3/4, n yet there's still so much i still dun ustand!
God save mi~~ :~(((

Love.
:) @least there's a silver lining in this cloudy world of mine..

Friends.
Love them still. Adore them still. But.. absolutely no time for them.
Sighs. :( Do u guys still love me? BoOo...

Family.
Yes i still love them, but often i dun show it.
Just been under so much work, seriously.. i dun hav time to really show anything except tiredness. =X
im sorry. :(

Anw.. back to e books.
Have lotsa lab reports to rush.. ta-ta~~

.stress.

2009-08-16T08:21:00.000+08:00

E big boss is offering mi another transfer n i've accepted it, but till now, still awaiting approvel from e biggest boss n HR.
Maybe whn everything's cfrmed, thn i'll update..

u know e things abt friends?
They can bring u up on a cloudy day.. or they can bring u further down on a alrdy stressed day.

Sighs.

Some friends just hav so low EQ, they dun bother to ustand nor empathise.

Why.

On days whn e work gets tough.. e study gets suffocating..
im really glad i have him. :)

Off to work~

.work.

2009-08-06T13:44:00.002+08:00

i've finally asked boss for a transfer, preferably to the Oncology dept.

It's time to move on.. to learn new things.
Partly also tired of being un-appreciated @times.
E things i do.. e things i see.. e pple i work with sometimes..
Can get a lil way too depressing.

im not one who usually complains.
Yes i speak my mind, but i dun go running to e boss every time i suffer..

There's alot of unhappiness that i can take, n forgive.
Alot of unfairness, experiences i feel.. but.. i dun confront.
To me, some things r just not worth it.

Fighting or quarrelling.
If what is said is not heard or rmbred, n it will not solve e problem, thn wad's e point of fighting or quarrelling?
Just to express ur anger? Hurt e other 1?

Example of sth tt i can take n forgive.

Anyway.. i hope i can leave.

.tempted.

2009-08-03T21:27:00.000+08:00

im really tempted to get this..

.beautiful.

2009-07-27T13:41:00.001+08:00

These are beautiful. :)

http://guides.travel.msn.com//Guides/MSNTravelSlideShow.aspx?cp-documentid=1081089&imageindex=1

.waited in vain.

2009-07-26T19:04:00.001+08:00

i waited.
Since 5pm!
No sms. No nothing.
i simply continue waiting..

Only finished researching my ppt until 4pm.
Wanted to get some lunch, thn realized dinner will b abt 6pm so forget it.
Cont' waiting..

Too hungry.
"Leaving soon.." at 5pm.
That means mayb 6pm? Oki! So i went to prep myself so tt he wldnt hafta wait so long.
Cont' waiting n asked if it's 6pm.. waiting for reply.. ...

Cont' waiting.
6pm, not 6pm.
7pm!

i shldnt b upset?
i cant b upset??

Cant help wondering, if it were a friend who was waiting, will things b different?
If so.. why is it so oki that i waited aimlessly not knowing whn we'll meet.. wad's going on.. etc. etc.?

.MIA.

2009-07-20T20:33:00.023+08:00

i believe there's a reason why i dont bother to online sometimes.
E things i read.. e things i get to know.. i feel better whn i dont know anything.

Ignorance is truly bliss for me.

Perhaps tt's why subconsciously i dun wish to online.
To protect myself frm getting hurt by things i might read.
Might get to know.

i wish to escape frm all of these negative feelings..

.weird.

2009-07-15T13:36:00.003+08:00

i think there's sth wrong w mi. =((

i dont understand.

Why is it that when S dun help out whn it's her duty, nobody dares to scold her or b upset w her.
Just because she's more senior?
N yet they get upset w mi cuz i didnt try to help them.. evn thou e roster says my duty is otherwise.
E thing is, they expect mi to help out, in fact, do most of everything for them.. even whn it's not my duty.
BUt whn it's MY duty according to e roster, they dun bother to help mi out?

Is it because im an easier target to bully?
Since i wont complain?

Enlighten me.

.laughter.

2009-07-13T21:28:00.003+08:00

:) i adore this advert..

.. and of course this.. :) :) :)

.jealous.

2009-06-26T11:12:00.002+08:00

Wells.. there are just some things u cant be jealous about.
*shrugs

In a way, if u learn to let go certain things, u'll feel alot better.
@least, that's how i feel sometimes.
Same thing w friends.
If you learn to let go of e strong feelings u hav with some of them, e world is alot brighter.

=) im trying to convince myself to let go.. i know i can do it!

On MC todae.
Such a sudden change from ytd.

Woke up feeling realli drained, but kinda assumed it was from e last few days of late nights.
Went to wrk as usual, ate some muffins for lunch.
Drank kopi treat from friend.

Thn was on way to sch whn i started feeling nauseous.
Was so afraid that i might puke in e bus, asked e lady in front of mi if she had a plastic bag.
Super unlucky, she simply replied "No."

Got off e bus just opposite my sch, ran to e bushes n puked by e roadside.
HOw embarassing. BUt.. whatever.
Wad can i do? =((

Puked a lil, thn while i can still control it, quickly ran to e toilet.
N flooded e toilet bowl.
x_x hais. Totally sick.. so wad was i still doin in sch?

Cause there was a test ytd. =(( Couldnt skip.

Walked to sch w a friend, who managed to get mi a plastic bag just in case, n just b4 clz.. decided to go toilet again.
N yesh.. vomited some more.

As if e diarrhoeas during wrk wasnt enough. =(

Thank god it was just an hour's test.
Finished it ASAP, thn went to see dr w my mum.
Thank god my parents came to fetch mi.

Thot was having gastric from e skipped dinner, thn dr pressed here n there.. thn diagnose it's probably some stomach virus.
Bad food u ate, he said.
To avoid raw, uncooked food for e time being, rest more n take care.
Fever 37.9deg.

Gave mi painkiller+panadol, something for e cramps, something for e nausea n sth for e diarrhoea.
Wanted give mi 2days' MC but i onli wanted one.
Sat i can alwas exchange w colleague if i stil cldnt make it. =(

N now.. it's time for rest.. ...

.relationship.

2009-06-15T13:22:00.004+08:00

Juz read an entry abt a failed relationship.
Saddens e heart even thou i didnt knw e writer. =(

It's really heartbreaking isnt it?
Whn u put in so much n yet.. nothing comes out of it.

HOw do people let go?
Sometimes i really cant figure out.
How people can just breakup, n get into a new r/s e very next chance they get..?

What did e old relationship mean to them..??

It's truly depressing.

i wish love was easier.
Just give your heart n you guys will last. =)
Happily ever after, just like e movies, e fairy tales...

.wadever.

2009-06-11T23:23:00.004+08:00

Do you get those feelings when you thought you knew some1 really well..
Then they'll surprise u by doing something else, then u wonder again..
"Do i really know them well?" kinda feeling??

Seriously? i dont like getting close to people.
To friends even. =X
Cuz.. e closer i get, e easier it is for them to hurt me.

Even if unintentionally.. Even with mindless acts.. Even if insensitively..
E hurt's still done. =((

i know tis stupid, but i cant help it.
Been feeling it far too many times.
Told myself to stop letting myself fall so deep, n yet so many times i let my guard down.

Let the close ones hurt me e way they do.
Perhaps im just being too sensitive.

BUt heys! It's sensitivity that make one empathise, make one understand, make one listen to another's woes..
There's alwas pro and cons to everything.
Wad did ya expect?

Todae is just another sensitive emo night.
One where i feel, i thought someone was close to me, but then again, perhaps that person is closer to someone else.
Jealous? *shrugs~ Perhaps. i dont know.

Why do i bother so much sometimes? Bother too much, thn let myself get hurt in e end only.. ... =(
Stupid thinkings i gotta get outta my head.

Oh wells!
HUmans r indeed too unfathomable.
E one beside you may be ur friend todae, but u never knew whn he/she might just backstab u e very next dae.
U think that person as your best friend, but heys! u never knw.. perhaps that person thinks otherwise.

u ever get e feeling that..
people know u'll alwas b here for them so they dont realli bother abt u?
but whn u need them, u cant exactly b sure that they might b there for u?

oki, ignore me.
=X im getting toOOOoo skeptical n cynical. lOls~~

Just.. being a brat for e night. =P

For e record?
i may seem to dis-trust e whole world, everybody.. but heys!
i still love my friends! ;) wahoOOO~~~

.stressed.

2009-06-09T13:26:00.000+08:00

=( Appetite has been decreasing i think.. for some weird reason.
Been skipping breakfast, since God knows whn, cuz jz aint hungry.
Still snacking, but not as much.
N most of e time? i think im just eating for e sake of eating.

Not enjoying my food as much as i do in e past.
=( Why~???

Lab pract just passed on Sat.
Gosh. Didnt know which values to substitute into the formula - just too many values!
Too many calculations, cldnt even finish in time if not for e 1hr grace period.
Was barely half-way done with e worksheet whn we were left with an hr more for e 3hrs pract!

Thank god for friends who helped out!

Perhaps im stressed? i duno.

i miss him. =(

.busy.

2009-06-05T17:40:00.003+08:00

i cant help it if im busy with wrk n studies.
i juz want a degree for myself, just started.. wad's wrong w that?

Lesser time for play, more time for studies.
Will be neglecting lotsa pple i guess, even M.I.A but @least im tryin to meet up w different pple @different times yeah?
im trying.. ...

Lotsa mock tests upcoming.
Mid-test n then exams.

PRedict myself to be pretty busy n pretty tired.. but oh wells.. tt's sch life rite jy? ;) hehs..
i think only she can truly understand e "hardship" of wrking full-time n studying part-time.
:) THank god for that.. ...

Baby just ended his study career ytd. =) hehs~
N now.. he's super free while im super busy. =(
Lesser love time =(( not liking it one abit, but thn again, wad to do?
Even having my exam on our 46th mthsary. blUrrgghhHH~~

So pple, gonna cut down on organising dates.
Wana date me, thn ask mi kies? =)
=( but lemme just say this in advance first, sorry if i really cant make it for most dates you chose, im just.. busy.

It's not some lame excuse.

.family.

2009-05-26T20:16:00.002+08:00

Sometimes? i really dont understand why my sis does e things she does.
She doesnt know or understand how alot of things work in life, n yet, she continues to create trouble for e family.
She n her freaking stupid friends.

Introducing her to this n that.
And being e stupid her, she just listens and tries this n that.

Every few months! There'll be something different!
More trouble to settle. This n that..
im just tired.

im just.. realli tired of all these craps from her.
Helping to settle this n that.
It's just never-ending.
i can never just get a break.

Why???

im just so tired.. really tired.. ...

.weird.

2009-05-26T17:54:00.001+08:00

Does pictures evoke strong feelings within you sometimes?
Just saw some pictures. Know it doesnt concern me, but still.. feels abit weird.
N left me buffled.

Whatever.
Weird.

.sighs.

2009-05-24T18:36:00.003+08:00

Sighs.
Just got rejected for e 2 insurance plans I applied few wks back.

Sometimes, I really hate myself for being sick.
For not being a normal n healthy kid.
Because of that ONE condition, everybody rejects.
Evn if i looked fit, has absolutely no relapse now, companies r still afraid to insure me.

I dont even need them to insure me for my condition.
I just need insurance for everything else, in case anything else crops up.

So what's so hard to accept?
Just exclude me cant they?

Sighs.
Why do I hafta constantly worry abt what happens to my family if I shld leave early?
So afraid. So insecure. So.. unsafe.
I really hate that feeling.

It's like.. a heavy burden that keeps tugging at e heart.
Whatever I do, i gotta be careful.
Even so.. i still hafta worry when i might just get knocked dwn by some reckless car drivers.

Sighs.
Dont try to tell me it's oki, or u understand how i feel.. cuz seriously?
i doubt any1 can understand unless u're in e same situation as me.

.down.

2009-05-22T14:32:00.003+08:00

Feeling a lil down recently. =( Sighs. Aint sure why.
Seems to me like there's no reason to, n yet.. i still feel low. =((

Thank god he goes to work w me evryday.
:) @least something to look forward to, n so far, he seems to be able to keep my smiles on whn he's around.

Cocked up @wrk todae, jammed up e label printer.
That kinda pull my dull day down evn further.
N till now.. they're still reparing it.
Gosh. i shld really stay off machines. =(

i need some cheer-me-ups.

.topshop.

2009-05-20T13:40:00.003+08:00

i was just asking my colleague-cum-friend wad made they choose to get TOPSHOP giftcard for me.
Then her reply? "We didnt know what to get, but somehow, u looked very TOPSHOP-y."
lOls.. guess tt's a compliment hor? ;) hehs..

Feeling a lil low todae.
Mayb it's due to insufficient slp?
Been slping late recently, @least, later than usual, so as to get accustomed to future sch life.
But this.. is making me tired. Yawns..

Life is so unpredictable indeed.
A colleague's dad just passed away. =( Sighs.
N that got me wondering, if i were to die tomorrow for sure..
What would you say to me? What would you do with me?

.crazy.

2009-05-19T14:04:00.000+08:00

Stomach hasnt been feeling that great, just visited e toilet n yet.. clever me actually went 7-11 to get cup noodles.
TOM YUM flavour.

Evrything's been about e same.
=) More loving w him thou, thank god for that.
Goes to show it was right we got back together. Hehs~

Sch's starting soon. =( Looking @e timetable, seriously might hav absolutely no life thereafter.
Oh wells.. for e better future~

.status.

2009-05-12T20:54:00.002+08:00

I was just thinking, u know e thing abt e facebook relationship status?
N u get e choice to either show it or hide it?

I was just thinking..
If u hide it even though u're attached, n ur display pic is 1 of yourself only, does it mean u're still open to options?
Or does it mean, u're just not so sure u wana be attached to HIM?

.mini musical box.

2009-05-10T12:12:00.001+08:00

i love this! Got 1 frm Mark e other time for V-day's present.. =)

http://www.urbanoutfitters.com/urban/catalog/productdetail.jsp?itemdescription=true&itemCount=10&startValue=31&selectedProductColor=&sortby=&id=15532542&parentid=A_FURN_SALE&sortProperties=+product.marketingPriority,-product.startDate&navCount=3&navAction=poppush&color=&pushId=A_FURN_SALE&popId=APARTMENT_SALE&prepushId=

know where else can i get this? =)

.edward.

2009-05-08T13:29:00.002+08:00

Reading e 3rd bk of Stephenie Meyer's famous novel eclipse.
And it's only now that i truly understand why.. Edward is so beautiful. :)
If only yilong was half as good.. ... =( bOoo.
P.S. dear2.. can u go read e bk n learn from him? ^-^ *grinnnsSs~ hahahas..

But on a sideline, i quite adore Jacob too. =X
He has his own charms. A different kinda attractiveness tt appeals to me too.

Oh man.. how i adore Bella.

.last love.

2009-04-19T23:08:00.003+08:00

Didnt know letting go was so easy to him until todae.

His sms.. totally exuded light-heartedness.
Joy? Can kinda feel it.
N e stupid me even thought that he was feeling sad abt letting go of our r/s.

How dumb can i be?

Kinda feel that i've been used.
He didnt really love mi that much. i was just too dumb n too blind to see wad a jerk he'd been.
He didnt appreciate @all wad i did. It was just nth to him.

Aftr he'd practised enough on me.. all his kissing skills.. hugging skills.. how to play around with a girl..
now he's a pro.
N nw tt he's finishing his studies, he can move on.

So goodbye to mi.

How dumb was i to think he looked so sad abt letting go our r/s..
How dumb was i to think he regretted..
How dumb was i to think that perhaps i shldnt let go so fast.. ...

His sms said it all.

He said "Goodnite my xuefeng baby pong2 like i always call u :)! Tmr will be a new day for u! i never regret in getting into tis r/s with you. *pecks! nites!"

See? Happiness.

i feel so used. So.. played around.
So... ... nevermind.

.hate.

2009-04-19T10:40:00.004+08:00

There's only a thin line btwn love n hate.
E deeper ur love, e more hate there will be.

But when things dont work out, who's to blame?
i wish i can hate someone too, then perhaps this will be easier for me.
My heart can take it better.. better than e way it's beating now.

But.. it's not my nature.

im done hating.
i tried hating for one day, n end up crying again.
=( Hating someone is too tiring.. ...

Msged to return some stuffs, thn realize that it's not as easy.
Cried immediately aftr that. i know it's over.

i know im weak. dont tell me to be strong.
Just lemme b weak for awhile.

i will learn to let go.

i wish this is easier.

Give me a day or two.
To pack all my memories aside.
No.. maybe a week or two.
i dont know. Mayb a few yrs..

i WILL re-adjust my own feelings..
i WILL calm it down.
i WILL stop crying.. ...

To people who care..
im sorry. but i really dont wish to talk abt how it happened, why it happened, n why am i so broken up anymore.
im sorry. but i really cant hear anymore of e talk of who deserve who, who's not good enough for who.. in love, whn is it ever fair?
Everybody is imperfect in their own ways. It's all abt acceptance, compromise, sacrifices, give and take.

To him..
Thanks for loving me this 4years. U gave me my best memories in life.
U walked through with me the worst times of my life, e best times of my life.. n u gave me e true meaning of love.
Thanks.. for staying by my side thru my tantrums, thru my sadness, thru all my problems.
Thanks.. for giving me advice when i needed them e most.
Thanks.. for loving me e way u did..

.break.

2009-04-19T00:10:00.003+08:00

Pple keep asking, "Who initiated?"
Wad? Does it mean because i initiated, it didnt matter to mi?
That he's e poor thing while im e evil bad one?

i merely asked for a cooldown period!
Probably used e wrong words.. but..

i dun get it @all.

Wad am i to do if im not good enough for him?
Do i seriously hafta go for botox or plastic surgeon?

He freaking mind my outlook!
Wad u wan mi to do abt it?

Perfect n yet my outlook means so much.
Wad u want mi to do?
Beg to salvage the relationship?

im still a human afterall.
im imperfect. i know.
i can never b perfect. i hope u knw.

im sorry i dun like to dress e way u want.
It's not like u like to dress e way i wanted too!
It's over now.
im sure u'll find e girl of ur dreams soon.

Some1 who's perfect both inside n outside.
Some1 i can never match up to.

im jz so angry. So... .... indignant.
im hurting. im freaking hurting badly inside.

i wana cry out loud. i wish i can cry for like days or sth.
n how much does it hurt?
i wanted to kill myself. Told hon wish i can go bangkok, get myself killed or sth.
@least my parents will get e insurance money, shld b able to retire n stuffs.

Every1's happy tt way n im free frm my misery.

n stop telling mi im young. i can find anthr. He's not good enough. blah blah blah..
i loved him for 4years!
wad do u think i was doing these 4yrs while i was young n he's not good enough n things like that?

i was giving my heart n soul.
i was trying to understand an imperfect someone.
i was trying to do my best in lovin someone.
i was loving someone..

n i freaking thought i did a good job in loving someone..
until that someone told me i juz wasnt good enough.

thn wad else can i say?
wad else can i do?

stop telling mi i will find some1 better.
i dun intend to find anymore.
wad's e point of getting my heart broken a 3rd time?
as if there's anything left of e heart after tis time.
so quit it.

im juz soooo... ....

i know u guys care. n i knw u mean well.
n i know wad u're saying is absolutely true.. but seriously..
i juz cant hear anything rite now.

i can oni feel.
n right now.. i can only feel pain. misery. failure.
n i cant find e strength to move on. to get up.

i juz need.. time.
i love u guys.. but.. im sorry.
i juz need more time.

.nick vujicic.

2009-04-18T12:20:00.004+08:00

i thought i could stop crying.
E tears'd run dry.

i thought..
i hav no more tears left after crying so hard that day @wrk.
i hav no more tears left after locking myself up in e room n crying like shyt.
i hav no more tears left after crying @e park.

Then.. i saw this..
From a friend.. n i cried somemore again.

i can love this man.
His name is Nick Vujicic
He's strong.. unlike e me right now.

2009-04-17T17:45:00.003+08:00

Appreciation. Apologies. Pride.

Recently got hooked to this serial on TV.

Lately, e couple in e show argued as e guy cld not accept e fact tt e lady was his boss.
So.. e lady in goodwill quit. So that e bf can b promoted.
HOping by doing so, their relationship can be salvaged.
E man will b happy n they can live happily ever after.

But.. it was not appreciated.

It was merely forseen as an act of pity. That e guy was simply not capable enough.
For that.. e lady lost her job.
N e guy left her for good.

Look @it frm an onlooker.
Who's right? Who's wrong?

There's no right or wrong in love.

Why are pple juz so adamant on blaming who's right n who's wrong?
Why must there always b some1 who's entirely in e wrong??
i never get this.
Pls enlighten me.

Giving in n im admitting it's all my fault. Sighs. Why all these bullshit?
Things ALWAYS happen because of 2parties.
1person alone.. cant create any trouble.
Why do people always wana blame it on someONE..?

E man once told her he will never leave her. Will love her forever..

Oh wells.. i guess it's true.
Pple do change.
Love is just sth.. we say.. but it doesnt hafta last.
i was just too stupid to believe it will.

Correction. i think that only applies to me.

im sorry im not pretty enough for you.
i never was pretty in the first plc.
Never can b. N never intended to be.

i'll still grow old, wrinkled n saggy skin one dae.

Then wad?
Shld i go for Botox? Or make an appt w e plastic surgeon?

Am i that ugly for u?
*heartbroken..

i cant erase e words.
It's just engraved in my mind that im just not pretty enough..

Perhaps it's truly e right decision, just that.. ....

.throbbing head.

2009-04-15T20:53:00.003+08:00

My head is spinning.
Almost fainted while @e train station, thank god i was holding onto e pillar.

E words keep ringing in my head.
"No future".. "Only injuries.." .. "change ur outlook.."
N my head is still spinning.. ...

i only realize yesterday.. tt i was this ugly.

i can still rmbr..
e time whn i cried in his arms when he told mi he was booking in n can onli bk out during e wkends.

i can still rmbr..
e time whn i cried 'cause he was going sailing for a whole wk n i cldnt see him.. hear his voice.. nor knw hw he's doing @all for tt whole wk.

i can still rmbr..
e time whn we sat @e bench n he wldnt let me go till i told him wad's wrong.
he said, "I want to solve our prob todae. Dont want it to drag till e nxt dae.."
i cried.

i can still rmbr..
e time whn he suddenly smsed me just to thank me for standing by him thru his revision classes n upcoming exams.

i can still rmbr..

how do i let go of all e memories?

i should really pop 2panadols n go to bed.

.courage.

2009-04-14T19:08:00.002+08:00

i cant cry.. until i lock up my room..
i cant cry.. i hadda run to a park juz so my folks wun see e tears..
i cant cry.. i hadda run away from e park when some1 nears just so they wun ask me wad's wrong..

i cant cry.. 'cause.. i dun even dare to.
i cant even face up to my pain..

@wrk, i hadda act strong.
i gotta smile to my patients even thou i wish to cry.
i hadda look @their happiness while gettin reminded that mine's lost.
i hadda share their joys while reminded that's wad i thought i had a while ago.

i gotta hold back e tears n not cry.. ...

why did i let myself fall again..?
why did i let myself fall in love again..?
why did i believe again.. tt things'll b different this time..?
why did i believe that.. i can find my happiness too..?

how do i let go..?

.final heartbreak.

2009-04-11T14:56:00.002+08:00

how can i stop e tears frm flowing.. ...

i cant go home like this. n yet.. i duno wher else to go.
n i juz realized that.. i've been a terrible lover.
a total failure..

2009-04-10T15:11:00.003+08:00

Like wad i heard ytd..
It's so freaking dumb whn u're like crying n penning down ur thoughts @e same time.

How do u keep understanding..??

i hav a friend, James. He's my girlfriend's lover in fact.
N he once shared this insight with me, that i thought was totally brilliant.

E gist of it..
Both of u shld work towards a point tgt, like a pyramid.
Both starts far frm each other, but as u grow n stuff, shld become closer n closer to the centre.
However, it cant b 1person giving all then other person staying straight.. tt's like an imbalanced triangle.
E person on the giving side will eventually collapse, while e person on e straight side will never grow and mature...

Love.. is truly an ironic emotion.
Whn u hav it, u tend to not appreciate it. Not cherish.
But whn u're on e verge of losing it.. or whn u've lost it.. u cry for it. U pin for it. U remorse over it.

i need honesty.
Not in e mood for smth, tell me str8 in e face.
i hate excuses.

i rather hear u telling me, "just dun feel like going out todae.." rather than, "i think e location's abit far.."
Both explains why, but it has totally different meanings. N different alternatives.
Dont tell me it's too far, thn end up going somewhere further.
It's almost equivalent to me telling u i dont want to go out, n yet e nxt min i call to inform u that i'll b in town w some1 else.

Ponder over it. 'cause rite now.. im hurting over it.

i hafta understand alot of things already.
im already giving in as much as i can.. trying hard 2b understanding all e time.
im not complaining. im not grumbling. i do what i can because i want to.
but what im saying is.. try to understand things frm my point of view sometimes too.. ...

2009-04-02T21:55:00.002+08:00

Sometimes.. i truly wonder.
Why do people ask me certain things whn obviously they enjoy others' company more than mine?
Whatever.

i dun hafta make sense to u.
As long as i love myself enough.. i'll get by.

Am i selfish? Yes i am.
Learn to be kinder to myself n i'll b happier.. learnt it e hard ways many a times enough already.

Once again, dont try to make sense outta this.
A night's sleep n everything will be fine. =)

Sometimes.. im really pretty glad that i hav tis amazing power.
To forget with just a good night's sleep. =)

Have u ever tried skipping to work..?
Walk w ur head high, back straight, force urself to smile no matter how tired.. n just try a few skips.
=) it works pretty well for me.
Try it!

.excuses.

2009-04-02T06:47:00.003+08:00

A colleague once kinda throw his temper @work.
Asked him wad's wrong, n he said, "im tired."
Immediately i shoot him back, "Tired is not an excuse for u to flare up."

E whole world is tired from working.
Studying for exams till late, n yet still fail sometimes, just like me in sch days.
That's tired plus disappointment.
Does that mean everybody can go around hurling verbal abuse? Or start beating up others?
Or even spark off arguments w juz any1 on e streets?

N after that, we just explain, "We're tired. i didnt mean what i say."
Will we get away w wadever we did thn?

Think before you speak.
Words can hurt easily if u intend them to.

.drunk.

2009-03-28T23:03:00.004+08:00

Think it's easier to get drunk when u're sad?

Drank some baileys frm home n immediately, e face flushed.
N e tears started to roll.. ...
N e heart is thumping so fast, i can feel e whole body jerking.

Craps. Since whn did i get so useless?

.pride.

2009-03-28T21:48:00.003+08:00

It just takes a lil efforts for love to go far.
It just takes a lil acknowledgement for 1 to feel love.
A lil gratitude. A lil appreciation. A lot of not taken for granted.

Have u given ur lil efforts, lil gratitude, a lil appreciation n not taking evrything for granted todae?

Lost.
Hope i'll b found again.

.loveplay.

2009-03-28T02:26:00.001+08:00

Heard this @esplanade n almost cried.. ...

We are just one
of two hearts in vain
we are just cars
crashing into a train
we walked on the stage
and took on our space
they watched us in place
our love as their play

this isnt working
its not
tired of pretending
im out

Leave me alone
let me go on
don't hold me down
can't have you around
set me free
let me be
im not a clown
to thrown around

You called me today
called me again
you kept on trying
to have it your way
But Im giving up
im sick and tired
I need some time
so try it my way

Lights are dimming
Now
the people are leaving
hear me shout (out loud)

Leave me alone
let me go on
dont hold me down
can't have you around
set me free
let me be
Im not a clown
to throw around

Don't try to make me
don't try to~
Don't try to change me
Into~

Leave me alone
let me go on
don't hold me down
can't have you around
set me free
let me be
im not a clown
to throw around

we're finally here (i wont let you)
im out on my chains (take me away)
to go or ~
to ..
Stay.

.my heart hurts.

2009-03-26T12:43:00.003+08:00

im ~~hurt.~~ strong.
i ~~can~~ cant cry.

i need a holi. A short getaway.
Anywhere. Somewhere. Any time.
Any?

2009-03-23T20:58:00.008+08:00

Just heard anthr fren's gonna leave me. =(
That just sparked off e emo sadness again.
Yes no doubt i knw that friends at work leave n come all e time, for better prospects.
But still.. e leaving hurts. =(

N e 1st thought that came to mind aftr e announcement was "So when are u going to quit? Always kena bullied de, why are u still there?"
i really hav no idea.

Mayb it's because of my friends still left here..?
Mayb because i want and like the money i have here, OT and all?
Mayb it's because of e stability, especially so since im starting my studies soon?
*shrugs~ Just feel so.. i guess, i just dont bear to see anthr friend leaving me. =(((

Tiring but..
i like breakfast. =)

Know why i love him? =)

It's because he gives up his comfy sofa to sit on hard stool when i asked him to.
It's because he visits when i have bad menstrual cramps.
It's because he gives me e jacket even when he's cold.
And.. it's because he sings with me, even though he doesnt like it. =)

.love language.

2009-03-16T20:30:00.002+08:00

Try this to find out your love language! =)

http://www.fivelovelanguages.com/30sec.html

Quality Time
Quality time is more than mere proximity. It’s about focusing all your energy on your mate. A husband watching sports while talking to his wife is NOT quality time. Unless all of your attention is focused on your mate, even an intimate dinner for two can come and go without a minute of quality time being shared.

Quality conversation is very important in a healthy relationship. It involves sharing experiences, thoughts, feelings and desires in a friendly, uninterrupted context. A good mate will not only listen, but offer advice and respond to assure their mate they are truly listening. Many mates don’t expect you to solve their problems. They need a sympathetic listener.

An important aspect of quality conversation is self-revelation. In order for you to communicate with your mate, you must also be in tune with your inner emotions. It is only when you understand your emotions and inner feelings will you then be able to share quality conversation, and quality time with your mate.

Quality activities are a very important part of quality time. Many mates feel most loved when they spend physical time together, doing activities that they love to do. Spending time together will bring a couple closer, and, in the years to come, will fill up a memory bank that you can reminisce about in the future.
Whether it’s sitting on the couch and having a brief conversation or playing together in a tennis league, quality time is a love language that is shared by many. Setting aside focused time with your mate will ensure a happy marriage.

Expressing Regret
“Expressing Regret” is the Apology Language that zeroes in on emotional hurt. It is an admission of guilt and shame for causing pain to another person.

For those who listen for “Expressing Regret” apologies, a simple “I’m sorry” is all they look for. There is no need for explanation or “pay back” provided the apology has truly come from the heart.

“Expressing Regret” is a powerful Apology Language because it gets right to the point. It doesn’t make excuses or attempt to deflect blame. Above all, “Expressing Regret” takes ownership of the wrong. For that reason, “Expressing Regret” is understood as a sincere commitment to repair and rebuild the relationship.

The “Expressing Regret” Apology Language speaks most clearly when the person offering the apology reflects sincerity not only verbally, but also through body language. Unflinching eye contact and a gentle, but firm touch are two ways that body language can underscore sincerity.

.realized.

2009-03-15T22:15:00.002+08:00

A friend just made me realize sth..
i need to be constantly reminded that im loved to feel loved.
i need to be constantly told that im missed.. im loved.. or a simple phone chat of 5mins.. to know that im still loved/have been thought by u.
i cannot stand being ignored..

E last point being oh-so-true n extremely heartbreaking when it happens.

That's MY way of loving me.

We were just talking about e various ways of loving.
Ur way of loving some1 may not be what that person wishes for.. have u ever tried asking what he/she wants?
Which way to feel love? Which way to love?

.love.

2009-03-15T22:01:00.002+08:00

Love needs lotsa efforts to maintain. To commit.
It's not just simple "i love you-s" n u expect it to last.
It's not just simply saying "i miss you-s" n u expect forever.

Was home e whole dae.
Faced 4walls e whole dae.
Faced a blank computer screen the whole dae.
Wanted to go out to chill but not sure who to ask.. thought abt it.. e whole dae.

u know how that feels?

sometimes i wonder.. am i alone?
Todae i truly feel i am.

i only need a few minutes, no.. make that an hour then, when i have ur full attention on me everyday.
W no distractions.. w no other temptations.. just thinking.. missing.. loving me only.
Is that too much to ask?

Why do people like to multi-task??

2009-03-11T14:07:00.003+08:00

i really wonder sometimes..
why do things i read hurt me so easily.. ...
i wish i didnt read some things some time.
Just so i can spare myself e pain..

im too sensitive for my own good.

Anw.. cant b too bothered abt e sad feelings rite now.
Can only feel 1strong feeling rite now.. worried.

Showed lorraine etc. e swells n their 1st thought was "Is it dengue??"

Omg. i didnt even think of that.
N come to tink of it, e dr didnt even measure my temp.
N i HAVE been sweating of late, not sure if it's becuz e weather's hot, im under e blanket or am i running a fever..

Sighs. Now i dun even dare to kiss him for fear of spreading to him.. =x

i dun wana die so young~~~~~~
i know im scaring myself but i cant help it.

It's not helping that my nose is still blocked, n im still using my mouth to breathe.
E swells have subsided, but in place are these tiny lil red spots, kinda resembling burst lil blood vessels?
n i so dun dare to go out for fear of scaring patients, so im kinda hiding in e pharmacy rite now.
Cant wear shorts nor mini skirts cuz then, e swells on my leg wld show.. now, THOSE are kinda scary.. ... =S even dear2 squirm a lil whn i showed him. =( bOoo.

Am i scared?
u bet i am.

.resolutions.

2009-03-09T13:36:00.002+08:00

i've got 2 resolutions tis yr.. like finally.

1. i've decided to love myself more. To treat myself better.. to grow prettier.
Stop compromising against my will. Stop giving in all e time unless it's appreciated.
Be myself more.
Pamper myself to @least a mask once per mth. If financially capable, retail therapy once in awhile.

2. Save enough for my full study fees by end of tis yr.

N to remind myself, i will get a house by e age of 35. Cuz tt's e onli age u can get a hse w/o being married.
N if im still not married by thn, i will consider adopting.

Was just discussing w my friends e other dae, was it possible to hav kids w/o gettin married?
i realize that, in fact, i was quite fearful of marriage? =S
No doubt e thought of me gettin married is fascinating.. exciting.. but whn i think abt it deeper, i realize that there's also fear n darkness.

i fear that marriage doesnt last. That kids will suffer.
i fear that e spouse will stray, IF there are temptations around.
i fear that i will hav breast cancer, thn e spouse will mind n lead to point no. 2. BUt tis time, stray even w/o temptations.

oh wells.. *shrug~
Marriage is still.. a long long way.

.sick.

2009-03-09T13:00:00.003+08:00

Thinking of changing my blogskin, cuz currently tis skin looks horrible to me.

Feeling really sick right now. Think it's e lack of oxygen into e body, considering im only using 1nostril to breathe now.
E other just keep gettin stuck w tis gluish yellowish-green mucus, that just wun come out no matter how hard i blow!
grrrr~~~

E swells are still noticeable.
Think got some bug bites whn i went to the cinema last friday.
E swells inflamed n become these disgusting huge patches of red that i was so afraid the patients wld see n avoid mi like plague!
i ended my OT earlier, just to go visit e dr.

& true enough, it was so bad that e dr said, "It's kinda no use for oral meds now. i'll give u a jab first to subside e swells.."
Faints.
1st time i visited e dr n require a jab like immediately.

Plus e flu meds, n a 2 days' MC cuz everything was so unwell.. it costed mi a freaking $54.
Went to his plc to rest, n slept frm 5pm to 8pm.
Woke up ate a lil dinner, went back to slp again till 10pm before he sent mi home.
Got home 10+pm n slp again till this morning 10am.

i slept a whole 17hrs! x_x

E jab was just too strong u see.
E dr, before he gave me e jab, warned it's gonna b very drowsy.
HIs exact words were.. "After this, go home IMMEDIATELY. u'll feel very drowsy after this.."
Boy was he right!

So now.. here i am, rotting at home, w sleeping eyes, tryin to keep myself awake!
Tryin not to slp so much u know.. but seriously, e oral meds aint helping much.
Tryin to read Twilight, n gosh.. edward is truly drop-dead gorgeous.

Not by looks, but by character.

If onli there were more men like him..
Sighs.

Somehow.. i think something's changed somewhere.. my perception is different now..

2009-03-06T22:42:00.002+08:00

i hate myself for being weak.

Since young, mummie taught me to stand up for myself.
To not get bullied by others.
That much i learnt, and hence the cultivation of the attitude.

N i know how to say "no" when i dont feel like. it. N i do that very well.
Especially w insurance companies who called up telling u they're not trying to sell u insurance, but they just rattled on n even when u dont hav money, dont hav e time, they still asked that they meet up w u so that they can SHARE w u their plans then u decide whn u want.
That's when i'll say "Sorry im not interested. I dont hav e time n i dont hav e money. Thanks." n i'll seriously just hang up.

Really. im not trying to be rude here but i really dont have e extra cash for u nor e time.
Evn if i do hav time, i rather spend it w my love ones.. on rest.. shopping.. friends.. but not on u, who even if u talk till e cows come home, i'll still not have any $$ to buy anything frm u.
>.< Then.. what's e point?

But society taught me to curb my mouth.
To not shoot whatever runs thru my head immediately.
That in fact, freedom of speech wasnt that free @all.
N hence.. e attitude hides. Most of e time to give way to a smaller me. =(

Timidity got in e way.
Cowardice joins e fun.
N e fear of what trouble might follow if i shoot my mouth away.. everything adds up n i keep my mouth shut. x_x
@least.. most of e times.

N yes.. that's the me now.

Afraid to stand up for myself becuz of fear my words may get me in trouble i cant get out of.
Definitely not that intelligent enough to get my way, n therefore, can only feel bullied when things happen, n cant yelp a sound.

Was on e way home w e girls, and with e train so packed, my big bag actually accidentally knocked against a lady.
Not knowing, hence i didnt apologise.
Then that lady whined to her bf, who replied, "Want me to hit her for u?"

N e 1st thot that went thru my mind was "WTH?"
Just becuz i accidentally knocked into her, n u wana like fight me?
N that was e attitude talking.

Next came fear n embarrassment.
Obviously i heard it n felt like apologising, but e situation just felt so awkward to just suddenly turn back n say "sorry.." ... i didnt.

E train trip continues.

Attitude again n i felt like pushing them. There's alot of anger in me sometimes, n im not sure why?
It's like these people around me, who always make me feels like they treat me like shyt, that i wana treat them like shyt too?
Super attitude.

i dont like my attitude too. Especially when im calm, i detest my attitude.
But i cant help it.
It rises involuntarily.

BUt @least, there's e meek me to curb it.
i dont just shoot my mouth away. i dont fight just 'cause some1 says he wana hit me.

BUt on e way home, i did thot of "why didnt i stand up for myself?"
i shld hav just turned to the guy n told him, "im sorry if i knocked ur gf, i didnt mean it. but if u wana hit me just because of that, then go ahead. But just to inform u, i'll make sure u pay a price for that."

If only i was THAT composed @that point of time to think of this.

i hate pple who talk big.
All talk n no actions.
n that's why.. i hate myself sometimes.

Do u feel that too sometimes?

Like.. there's this particular grp of characteristics that u absolutely cannot stand or even hate.. but @certain points in time, u're exactly like that.
n u hate urself becuz of that.

Maybe it's just me.
im a weirdo.

.truest.

2009-03-05T20:48:00.004+08:00

i really dont know how to deal with matters of e heart.
how should one deal with sadness/hurt frm love?
i wish people would fight for their loves.
fight for their own happiness.

how much i admire e male leads in fictions.
they have so much gutso.. so much courage.. n never hiding their feelings.
unlike all those around me, including myself sometimes.

why cant pple learn to be like fictions' characters?
dare to pursue their own happiness. travel across cities just to find their love. sacrifices. compromise. hurt. regrets. love eventually.

why cant life be simpler?
just like a storybook. when u finish reading the book, u just feel sweetness oozing out.
u admire e love btwn e lead characters. Envious even.
N wished urs was so loving.. not afraid to display affections.. straight to e point.. n daring too.

No worrying abt how others look @u in e train.
Not caring abt how others look @u whn u french in e park.. etc. etc.
Lead characters just do what they like when they like.. no matter where they are.

If only people around were less caring abt wad u do.
Less kpo.

i wish..

... ... i knew how to deal with this now.

.i am me.

2009-03-05T14:06:00.001+08:00

i am me.
Not possessive. Not easily jealous. Not misleading.
And i do mean what i say.. Not e say "i dont want" when actually "i want".

.dilemma.

2009-03-04T22:49:00.003+08:00

Met up w shuyu todae.
=) Really miss chattin w her.. those gd old days whn we'll walk to sch together n talk abt evrything under e sun.

Was just updating her as usual abt wad happened these few days w my life.
N she commented, "And u were not jealous of her @all?"
i replied, "No.."
N she said, "Wo zhen de jue de ni zhen de hen li hai ren.. he keeps talkin abt some other girl n u're not angry @all? Jealous? Arent u afraid tt there might b something going on btwn them that u dont know of?"

Shld i be angry? =S Jealous? Worried?

How would u feel if ur gf keeps talking abt e gd stuffs abt e same guy @wrk? Be it he's married or wadever..?
How would u feel if ur bf keeps talking abt e same girl @wrk? Whether attached or married..?

2009-02-26T13:47:00.002+08:00

Baby is sick. =( Feverish these few days.. really worried.. but wad can i do?
Only can buy panadol for him, help to sponge him, give him massages n go home myself.

Read 3 different fictions jz e other dae.
Basically, all 3 were sad endings, but kinda e only-best-way out in e stories.
And 1 evoked such strong feelings within me tt the question keeps ringing in my head..
"Do u marry the 1 who can take care of you.. or do you marry the 1 you love..?"
Or r they e same person to you..?

Smacked my lil finger against god-knows-what n it turned blue-black immediately..
-_-"" showed my friends @wrk n they were asking, wad did u do??
Sighs. i wish i knew..

Was just thinking tis morning..
i hav e impulse to skinny-dip. =x

2009-02-17T13:55:00.002+08:00

=p This' super funnie~!!!

Titled "Best divorce letter ever" =p..

Dear Husband,

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever.

I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. You boss called to tell me that you quit your job today and that was the las straw.

Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had a new haircut, had cooked your favourite meal and even wore a bran new pair of silk panties. You ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your shows.

You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband and wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.

Your EX-wife

P.S. Don't try to find me. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to Spain together! Have a great life!

*********************************************************************************

Dear EX-wife,

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.

It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my shows so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work.

I DID notice when you got a haircut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a boy'! Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, didn't comment.

And when you cooked my favourite meal, you must have gotten me confused with my brother, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.

About those new silk panties: I turned away from you because the £49.99 price tag was still on them, and I prayed that it was a concidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty quid from me that morning.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt taht we could work it out. So when I hit the lottery for ten million pounds, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica ...

But when I got home you were gone..

Everything happens for a reason, I guess.

I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a penny from me. So take care.

Signed,

Your EX-husband, Rich as Hell and Free!

P.S. I don't know if i ever told you this, but my brother Carl was born Caroline. I hope that's not a problem.

Darn funnie mann.. hehehes =p..

Anyway, updates on my life.

Feeling drained frm wrk, ultimate tiredness.
Still feeling the stress, but yeah im surviving.

In love life pretty gd thou, considering that dae whn we met up w his poly friends, 1 of whom just got married, i got to realize that.. he had actually asked that friend how she applied for HDB flat!
He had thoughts abt us! =x *blush~~ hehehes..

Friends.. still e same.
Just received a sms frm jy e other day to tell me she loves me!!! =p
Stay jealous.. lOls..

.drained.

2009-02-12T20:32:00.003+08:00

im tired. So tired i decided to take leave tmr.
Urgent in need of a break before i break down.

im just so tired of others' expectations of me.

Because of my age, e new staff dont respect me @all.
Being much older than me, no matter what i tell them, they rebute.
Then tell me, what's e point of asking them, or requesting them, to do anything for me?

N everytime e workflow is affected, boss asked me "why like that?"
Or "Why is typing jam?".. "Why u stand there n do nothing?".. "Why so messy?"
N e most "sacarstic" remark is the classic "Why dont u delegate duties to them?"

AS IF any1 will bother to listen to me.. besides lorraine.
i try to delegate, n people rebute me.
Retort back. N now, even cold war with me.

"Why is typing jam?"
Because i dont hav a computer to help clear it.
Every1 just sit @e PC wanting to type, & whn i asked to take over, they give me e killer look.
im fastest in e department, but how many people actually wana acknowledge that they're slower?

"Why u stand there n do nothing?"
Because i cant do anything. Typing is jam, but no1 is willing to stand up to let me type.
i cant pack, cuz if i do, thn i cant check, then since there's no other checkers around, im e only one.. therefore, i cant pack.

"Why so messy?"
Because every1 is contributing to e mess. There's no organisation @all.

Todae boss came back n asked me again, "Why so messy?"
Because things are jammed. E is rushing to do the OT billing, and not e discharges cuz she hafta go TPN in e afternoon.
Mayb we shld change e day whn she does e billing?

"Why didnt tell me earlier?"
i nearly burst out crying. Was just so tired.
Because u didnt tell me which day who's doing e billing? How am i to know she's assigned to do billing on e day whn she's assigned to lab too?
Really wanted to retort back.

But i held back my words.

N e tears started to roll.. but i refuse to let them roll out.

i may b strong-willed.
But if u keep pushing me to e wall, i will break too.

Whn i told dear2 abt evrything.. how my colleagues are treating me..
Almost tearing in the train again..
He immediately said, "u shld just ask them to f*** off."

Once again, i have e impulse to quit n leave them all alone.
Not having to care abt anything anymore.. ...

.kindness.

2009-02-10T13:06:00.002+08:00

Do you know...
When kindness does not begets kindness, it truly hurts.

Coming out from e mouth of some1 who'd just stepped into the working society for 3yrs, these are my heartfelt feelings.

In your working life, u'll meet all sorts of people.
And definitely colleagues who aint ur real friends.
Dont expect a smooth road as per ur study life.
An easy and relaxed life where u chill w friends everyday and live happily ever after. That's past tense once u step into e working society.

There'll be days when u feel extremely tired n listless w what u see but ur boss dont see, but.. e work life continues.
Dead and bleak as darkness, but it goes on.

u can only pray for e love n warmth from ur family n love ones to calm u down and stop you from doing silly things like quitting even before u get anthr job.
now THAT's speaking from my own truest experience.

E impulse. Every now n thn u're sure to feel it overwhelm u.
But u just gotta press on.

Life is definitely a bed of roses. Filled with thorns n pain.
u just gotta learn how to survive it through.

@e end of e day, u may be brutally hurt n scarred, but.. time will heal.
n that's why family is important.

Cherish all ur love ones.. they really do matter.

.my 23rd.

2009-02-09T20:28:00.002+08:00

u know wad?
:) i enjoyed my 23rd even more than my 21st. hehs~~

i finally realize e true meaning of..
u dun need a lot of friends around u, u juz need a few good ones beside u. :)

u shld know who u are. i alwas let u know.

i love u guys. :)

.my 23rd!.

2009-02-07T20:45:00.004+08:00

Went to a beautiful place call Canelé Pâtisserie Chocolaterie @raffles shopping centre!
And ate yummy-licious desserts all thanks to jy n jie2~!! ^-^ hehes..

Totally surprised whn i saw jie2 standing @e lift lobby of KK waitin for mi w a bouquet of flowers!
omg. x_x i almost fainted in laughter~
And as we hurried to e bus-stop to get to e MRT to meet JY..
my biggest surprise awaits mi! lOls..

JY was there, holding e biggest balloon i've evr seen in my life!!
omg. i didnt know whthr to laugh or cry.. =p hahahas..
jz kept giggling non-stop~~

It was so embarassing cuz.. we missed the 1st bus as it was too packed, n my balloon cldnt get up! x_x

Had lunch @raffles, then head down to MINDS cafe.
=p played silly games like gram's apples which jy was super gd at, but she failed terribly in traffic directions! hahahas~~
=x opsi.

n yes, e whole journey i was definitely e star of attraction. =x especially for e kids!

n i do hav presents frm them too!! ^-^ Got a v.cute notebook n a monkey-ish cardholder! hehes..

JY!! Be prepared for urs wor.. =p wahahahs~~

.tired.

2009-01-28T13:36:00.003+08:00

i need to go and pray somemore, to pray for safety, health n more luck. :(
Things havent been going well in alot of ways since 2009..
Can u pray for me too..??

1st day of new year n a xiao mei mei stepped on my hair as i kowtow in e temple.
:( sighs.
Nightmare abt how a ghost in the lift brought me to the underworld n no matter how hard i screamed that i want out, nobody hear me.
Woke up in shock. :(
Had a hard time getting back to slp until e eyes decided to give in to e tiredness - was just too scared out of my wits already.

N e previous night.. cldnt breathe.

What else...?

Sis' matter is finally solved.
Told dad e wrong time, thought they open by 9am, only to realize it's 11am.
They reached there by 10.40am.
My fault again.. sighs.

Really makes 1 wonder..
i wasnt the 1 who got into trouble.
i was the 1 who's been running around, stressing.. finding ways to solve the matter.
i was the 1 who was sick, n yet still running around trying to find a solution.
Calling pple. Trouble pple. Travelling here n there whn i shld b resting.

n yet... they're concerned abt my sis.
n nobody cares a hoot about me.
n still.. my fault to disturb the woman.
my fault that i recalled the opening hours wrongly.

Appetite hasnt been good since.. i cant rmbr when.
Has been skipping breakfast. Thn at times dinner.
i knw i shldnt b skipping.
Evn the stomach is protesting with all e discomfort that im feeling.
n i AM forcing myself to eat already..
but sometimes.. im jz too tired.

No mood.

Can i just run away from home for a few days..?
Just need a shelter.. somewhere where i can feel love, warmth n protection for a change..

.me.

2009-01-27T21:24:00.002+08:00

What happens when u realize that both your final goals are in fact different?

Gotta learn to love myself more.

Decided and promised myself yesterday.. i will get a house by my own means by 30.

Attached or alone.. i will get one by that age.

Then realized on HDB's website, that i gotta by 35 if im getting one by myself.

Fine. 35 then. i will get one..

Cldnt sleep last nite.

Nose was stuck w mucus or god-knows-what, just cldnt breathe, therefore hadda breathe thru e mouth.

As a result, was too scared to sleep.. afraid i'll die in my sleep.

It's not time yet.. simply because my insurance is not enough to last my family a lifetime yet.

Went granny's hse in e morning, then grandmother's plc in e afternoon.

Totally adore my granny, if onli i earn more, i will make sure she lives a life of luxury.

She's e 2nd person to mum who loves me the most. Dotes on me e most. :)

N i guess it's e age, suddenly all my uncles n aunties are asking, when will i b getting married.

Evn granny is asking whn will she get to drink my wedding wine.

*shrugs~~ When it's time, it's time.

If it's not meant to be, no matter what u do or say is not going to change.

i seriously think it's e age. Supposed to be 24 already according to e lunar calendar.

However, went over to my granny plc n realize tt my cousin's already 28, n still single.

Wells.. timing is an extremely important factor.

At e end of e day, what do u wish to go home to..?

A quiet, luxury condo filled with all ur riches n pictures of all e countries u've been to alone?

Expensive sound system, plasma tv etc..?

Or a tiny 5-room flat filled with ur tired wife n kids..?

To me.. i choose e latter.

i dont need riches in life to be happie.

.blessed.

2009-01-25T23:50:00.003+08:00

happie mOo-mooOoo year to all~!! ^-^

Praying hard that after CNY, 2009 will b better for us. :)

Praying hard that all stays well, healthy n pink of health. =)

.tired.

2009-01-22T22:41:00.002+08:00

Dinner w Ruth at bishan.

Went to eat Long John's despite e sore throat.

=x i hav a feeling im trying to make myself miserable.

Craps.

i love her. For some unknown reasons.

:) She has similar fashion taste as me.. i like.

Got home, changed, thn started washing some of e clothes i bought frm Bangkok.

Whn did i go bangkok?

A long long time ago.

Washed quite a pile, n after mama saw, she commented recently i kept going out till late, shld b quite tired, hence shld rest rather thn wash clothes.

Asked if i needed help. i refused; was pretty oritte myself.

Half an hr later, u hear her scolding sister.

Thn while im still washing, she came out n said, "People said to have daughters are fortunate, can help out in e housework. But why am i so unlucky to have useless ones?"

Tell me again why was i home so early?

Anyway.. getting pretty immune to all these hurt already.

So much so.. i think im forgetting how to cry..

.hurt.

2009-01-20T17:33:00.002+08:00

Asked my daddy to call e law firm todae to check if e woman'd settled the oustanding amt, which was due last weekend.
Guess what he said?

u dont bother the woman anymore. her husband said he'll settle this..

ouch.

i juz wanted to double-check my sis is free frm liabilities.
i juz wanted to double-check that there's truly no more problems to tis matter.
i juz..
n this is all i get.

n my sis? e 1 who created the problem?
he's concerned over her.
Called me e other dae whn he called her n she was crying, told mi not to scold her.
When all i've done since e matter is to settle it, i dun evn hav time to scold her or anything.. n yet, he called mi up purposely during work just to tell mi not to scold her.

and towards me.. it's "dont bother e woman"...

After everything i've done, im juz "bothering the woman" to him.

Someone pls give mi a really really gd reason why i shldnt cry..
or why my tears shldnt b rolling..
why my heart shldnt b bleeding..

cuz right now.. at this moment..
after i recieved e call..
after i tried my best to settle evrything..
after everything.. ....
n tis is e kind of reply i get..

i duno what i shld b feeling.. but i do know my heart's hurting real bad.

2009-01-19T14:00:00.002+08:00

Just so upset. Daddy called to ask me to stop calling that woman, cuz tt woman is complaining that we called her too many times.
If she finds us such a bother, thn she shldnt hav got involved with my sister.
i called her last night, wanting to find out whn she's free to drop by paragon with us.
Apparantly sis called her tis morning for god knows wad reason.

Feel so indignant. After all i've done, tis is wad i get?
Think i like bugging her? i wish i can hav some peace frm all these too...

Had a terrible sore throat last night, n still hadda called her up to check whn she's free.
Didnt feel like calling or talking to her either, but.. wad can i do?
Still gotta find out whn she's free to go down.

Hasnt been eating well or slping well since e incident.
Been skipping meals so often lately, i think i feel i've lost some weight again.. :(
Didnt slp well, so decided to nap.
End up, jocked up frm bed in shock as i thought e woman was going to run away frm SG..
Only to realize it was juz a dream..

i really need some peace.
Evn my boss is asking, "Why do u look so tired?"

i muz looked pretty bad shape as my friends were pretty worried when we met up ytd!
N we only met up for a short while n they noticed.. :(
Evn intro a sinseh to me.. ...

Can i learn to curse and swear too..??
Can i be evil for once and curse that woman or something..?

.stupid thing.

2009-01-15T22:13:00.003+08:00

i locked myself up in the room and i cried.

skipped dinner. again.

.sad.

2009-01-14T07:02:00.002+08:00

im still trying to settle this.

Exhausted. Truly i am.

2009-01-13T18:35:00.003+08:00

Just so.. mentally and physically drained. :(

Went down to the police station to file a report.

Officers said not a con case 'cause my sister willingly lend out her IC.

Went down paragon to settle payment, then recalled my sis did not sign any docs, officer say see whthr can find out whn was e 2lines signed.

Apparantly that woman actually went down a 2nd time to sign up for anthr line, still under my sis' name!

But e 2nd time, my sis werent ard @all, so seriously?

i hav absolutely no idea how she managed to get her 2nd line.

Didnt settle payment with this piece of news, went dwn police station again, this time alone.

Filed anthr report, since e 1st report lacked e details of my sis not aware of e 2nd line.

But still.. the officer told me that it was up to the co. to decide if they want to waive off e charges.

Why is the world like this? So unfair?

Obviously it's forgery, since my sis wasnt aware of e 2nd time n the most amazing thing is, how was that woman able to do it??

i still cldnt get e billing address of that woman 'cause im not e subscriber.

Made a futile trip down.

N since police cldnt help mi much either, except for the filing of the reports..

sighs.. juz feel so indignant w evrything.

To think i made so many wasted trips todae.. n all while i was suffering frm my cramps.

.xin tong.

2009-01-13T10:57:00.003+08:00

im not angry w her u know?

im just so upset why she got cheated.

so pissed off with that so-called "friend" of hers.

using their friendship to cheat my sis.. whn my sis really treated her as a friend!

e menstrual pain is not helping either. sighs.

ltr gotta go down to settle the bill since im e onli 1 who's free todae.

such an irony whn i shld b resting at home.

sighs. juz feel sooo.. lost.

how should u deal with such things?

came home aftr visiting e doctor ytd. took a nap to rest e painful cramps.

woke up thn hear frm mum that they recieved some lawyer's letter, ask me to go read n see what i understand frm it.

the 1st in my life. n im onli 22.

yes i'll be fine. i'll grow strong after this.

but that girl.. that "friend" better not let me see her..

i might not be able to control my anger for cheating my sis.

2009-01-12T19:45:00.002+08:00

Sighs.

My sis stupidly helped her so-called friend to sign up for a mobile plan.

And now the bill is chalked up to over $400, 'cause the bill is to send to that "friend" place and obviously, she hasnt been settling the bill.

A surcharge of $800.

And if we still dont settle it fast, 'cause it's under my sis name, e lawyer is going to sue us!

Sighs.

Why must this happen when im having menstrual pain?

2009-01-08T13:20:00.002+08:00

What's ur new yr resolutions? :)
Mine is.. .... .... hmms, forget it. lOls.. =p

Anw.. why should we have changes only when it's a new year?
Shouldnt changes-for-the-better be done at an adhoc basis?
Why wait further? :)

i keep procrastinating my last yr's resolutions, i decided to forgo this yr. =x
lousie me, yesh i knw, dont hafta rub it in.. =p lOls..
last yr was e 1st yr i start, n definitely a bad start.. hahahas~

met up w car just the other dae. :) i missed her.
car's truly 1 of the most amazing friends i've ever met.
some1 whom i dont meet up often, dont keep in contact often, n yet whn we meet..
it's unusually magical.
=p we chat like there's no tomorrow!
anything under the sun. everything under the wraps. =x lOls..

& e best thing is.. she brought mi for choc desserts!!! *-*
i love her. ^-^

wrk's tough. But it gets okkiiieeee cuz he's around. :)

.funnie.

2009-01-02T14:57:00.002+08:00

Guess what?
My course starts in Apr, and this sem, which lasts until Sept, im only taking...
ONE module.

Simply because of the system, which fixes the modules u take every sem, and which sem u take.
N because of my credit exemptions.

i just wana roll on the floor and laugh.. ....

Because of this, im graduating in Sept 2013.
By then, im like.. i dont know.. 27++??

.money matters.

2008-12-31T15:51:00.001+08:00

baby is stressed over school fees.. :(

why do i feel so poor..??

2008-12-29T14:13:00.003+08:00

Terrible dae. :(

Woke up feeling groggy and could barely walk straight.
Keep slanting towards my right.

Tried eating my bfast, but cld only finish half before i went to vomit everything out! >.<
As if that's not enough, had to diarrhoea. =(
Afterwhich, rinsed my mouth and tried to eat e other half.
And immediately after finishing, went to puke agn.

Sighs. :(

Barely made it to the bathroom, after showering, diarrhoea again.
Thn just as im about to leave e hse, puke again.

Omg.

Seriously? im still not sure how i managed to make it to the train stn!
Thank god there was seats in e train for me.
PRIORITY SEAT!

Wanted to sleep, but evrytime i close my eyes, felt like i was going to faints so.. forget it.

Came to work, kinda useless.
Cldnt do dispensing cuz was worried i might faints on my way to e wards..
So juz helped out with the typing and packing.
And thank god i was here today!

4 down! x_x 3 on leave, 1 MC.

Sighs.

Big boss came to cover duty for 1 of my pharmacist who was on leave, and saw me and commented..
u look terrible. so pale.. just go home larr.. here they can handle..
thankful i hav such understanding bosses!

But.. i think i can still survive?

Like i said, it's better fainting in a hospital where every1 will know, than fainting home ALONE! x_x